My neighbour John has been invited to be best man at a wedding. “What will I say?� he asked worriedly. “The groom is my best friend but I don’t know what to say. His mother and father are ok I know them years, but I’ve never even met the bride’s parents and her uncle is coming home from Australia. Should I mention him? The speech is supposed to be funny but I’d better not mention our escapades over the years. After all my own wife will be there and she certainly wouldn’t appreciate hearing about our holidays in the sun�. John’s worries are typical of many best men. They want to make a good impression but they don’t know what to say. The answer is not to try to be funny because John is not a comedian and doesn’t have the training or the timing. Instead his speech should be light-hearted speaking only of the good times they had together or mentioning incidents like when they lost their luggage or got on the train going to Paris instead of to Cannes. . too. He should do his research and find out something about the bride and her parents so that all the important guests are included. He should, check whether the bride wants her uncle’s long journey mentioned. A good speech is about preparation.

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Save us all from those best men and father’s of the bride who see their speech as the one chance they will have in their lifetime to perform under the spotlight for hours.

You might have noticed something about life stories or biographies. They tend to be the biggest fattest most long winded books on the shelves. The outward signs are the reams of paper that the father of the bride is editing and flicking through. They might be the best man secreting a box of tricks, props and puppets under the wedding table in preparation. These people are missing a calling in their lives. They need taking out and trampling on. Now is the time to head for the bar.

The best wedding speeches are short, to the point, gentle, humorous, (You’ll already know if you are a born joke teller, and now is not the time to experiment), genuine, sincere and end with an affectionate toast to the couple. Anything else is a bore that will leave guest squirming in their seats straining their necks towards the exit.

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I was at a wedding in Drimoleague in the West of Ireland, when the groom stood up to make his wedding speech. He announced that he couldn’t do speeches, but he knew a good joke about a pig.

Personally I don’t care if it was the best pig joke in the world (it wasn’t), but there is a time and a place for jokes in speeches. I might respectfully suggest to all you potential grooms and best men out there, that telling a joke about a pig or anything at all really has no place whatsoever in your wedding speech.

If you really are stuck for inspiration you might start with the beautiful woman you are marrying. If you are still stuck I respectfully suggest you might want to reconsider your position.

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